Communicating without speaking in relationships

Imagine that you typically say “I love you”
to your husband before you go to bed each
night. On one particular evening, you feel
annoyed with him over an argument you
had earlier that day. But out of routine, you
still say “I love you” as you both get ready


for bed. This time, however, the message is
different. Your tone suggests frustration and
your words are barely audible. You avoid
physical closeness and eye contact. And
your body is rigid and tight. For your
husband, the strongest part of your
message will most likely be the nonverbal
cues that surround your words.
There are many different ways to
communicate with your loved one. We are
all familiar with the most common form of
expression: language. Statements like “I
can’t imagine my life without you” or “I’d
appreciate you helping around the house”
clearly inform the listener of the sender’s
intention. Did you know, however, that you
often send your partner messages that do
not involve words? These nonverbal
messages can be subtle or dramatic. You
might be conscious of the signals you’re
giving off but, if you’re like most of us,
you’re probably unaware of all the messages
you send your partner.

How is this relevant to your relationship?
Simple: Your nonverbal forms of
communication have a powerful impact on
your partner and therefore on your
relationship’s intimacy overall. The subtle
and not-so-subtle messages you send can
leave your partner feeling loved and close to
you or these messages can make her feel
unwanted and anxious. And all this occurs
above and beyond the words that you
speak.
How do you communicate?
Here’s a brief list of how you might be
communicating with your partner even when
you’re not talking:
~ Tone of voice . The real message is not in
the words, but in how they are spoken.

~ Facial expression . Your face can reveal
most of your emotions, including
acceptance and judgment.

~ Eye contact . Your eyes tell others whether
or not you’re interested in what they have to
say. When you’re mad or disgusted with
your partner, you may avoid or prematurely
break eye contact.

~ Touch. Different types of touch convey a
wide range of messages and feelings.

Touch
can be an effective way to communicate
warmth and love.

~ Silence . You can say a great deal by
remaining silent. Deciding not to speak
when your partner needs a hug can be extra
supportive and can let him/her know that
you’re really listening; withholding words
when your partner needs to hear a loving
sentiment sends the opposite message.

~ Gestures. “Talking” with your hands,
widening your eyes, lifting your eyebrows,
etc., can add emphasis to your message.

~ Body Language . Crossing your arms when
feeling judgmental or turning away from
your partner when you become defensive
are just two examples of how our bodies
speak for us.

~ Interpersonal Distance . The physical
distance you place between you and your
lover sends an important message. You
might move away from your partner when
you’re frustrated with her/him or move
closer when you’re offering support or
listening intently.

What is your non-verbal communication
style?
Some people use touch to convey emotion.

Still others express a great deal in their tone
of voice and body language. Do you rely on
a particular form of nonverbal
communication? Would it enrich your
relationship to add one of the nonverbal
forms of communication in the list above to
your relationship toolbox? If so, try adding
just one method and practice it often.

Before
you know it, it will become an automatic
part of your communication repertoire. Start
slowly and gradually, especially if your
partner isn’t used to you acting in a certain
way.

For instance, if you plan on increasing the
amount of touch in your relationship to
demonstrate more affection, start by holding
your partner’s hand while watching TV. Or
while conversing over dinner, you can
casually touch her forearm at some point in
the discussion to emphasize your reaction.

Small behaviors such as touch are powerful
and, over time, improve the emotional
climate of your relationship.

An important step in effective
communication is to begin to notice your
body language—you may be speaking
volumes with your body without even
realizing it.