Getting your point across in relationships

One of the situations that often
creates relationship conflict is
when you become devoted to
getting your point across.

Most of us love to be heard and
understood. It feels great when someone

important to us really understands things from
our point of view.

Too often, however, we are trying to get our
point across in order to have control over the
other person. The thinking of the wounded self
is, "If only I can get this person (my partner,
friend, parent, child and so on) to understand
this from my point of view, then he or she will
change and do what I want them to do.

for instance,i've always asked:

"What do you do when the other person out-
talks you and you can't defend yourself? I am a
soft spoken person and a thinker, and this is
very frustrating to me because often, very
emotional people raise their voices and won't
give me a chance to explain my reasons.then
they write me off as complaining. Also, there are
those that don't take my feelings seriously. How
do I get across my point to them? Or should I
even try?"

 Now i know that the first thing is to want to explore what your
intent is in trying to get your point across to
them. What are you hoping for? Are you trying to
get their approval or their agreement?
In the situations like this, it sounds
like everyone is in their wounded self.

They want
you to hear them and you want them to hear
you. It's likely that none of you are hearing
yourselves or each other, or taking loving care
of yourselves.

 There is no point in
trying when the other person is not open to
hearing your point of view. We do not hear each
other unless we are open and interested in
hearing another's explanations and reasons. So
it's a waste of time and energy to explain your
reasons to people who are not open, and it's
important for you to recognize that you are also
not open when you are focused on explaining
and trying to get your point across.

I know it's hard to let go of being seen, heard
and understood by people who are important to
you, but part of being a loving adult means that
you are in reality regarding whether or not
someone is open to seeing, hearing and
understanding you. The wounded self believes
that if we say it enough times, or loud enough,
or say it 'right', we will finally be heard, but this
is a big false belief.

What would you do differently if you fully
accepted that you have no control over whether
another person is open to seeing, hearing and
understanding your point of view? You would
probably feel the grief of this disconnection, but
you would also be more capable of focusing on
taking loving care of yourself in the face of their
being closed, rather than continuing to bang your
head against their wall.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author
and co-author of eight books, including "Do I
Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and
"Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator
of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process.
Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://
www.innerbonding.com or email her at
margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions
available.